#Happy Birthday Grandpa! 6_29_1928 - 6_15_09 I.L.Y!

Afraid Of Becoming Who I Think I Am

I don't know who i am, or what i am really. I guess you can say I'm finding myself?... People, the outside world, they think they know who i am, or what i can become. What I'm capable of... like they get a vibe, based on my appearance or first impression. Really, i don't know who i am. I see myself as this kid who does things she's not suppose to. A kid who can get into trouble easily by just making 1 or 2 simple mistakes in my life. I fear that 1 day imma do something really bad and my family wouldn't claim me anymore. They don't wanna know this person who has become a shame to the family name. Like God already knows i don't want that to happen. For all that's happened, the bad to all the people i have ever once loved, i think i am the cause of it. I feel like if i would've done something different, things would've or could have done differently. I took a lot of things for granted. So there's a lot of guilt i put upon myself that ways down my shoulders. I carry this weight everywhere i go. I'm not perfect, believe me, nowhere near it. Sometimes i think of myself as a monster. Why do people love a monster? Why do people love...ME? What am i doing that draws people in? Why am i such an attention holder in this world? People try to butter me up all the time telling me how great I am. Well, that's nice, but have you ever stop to think of how i feel about myself? My self-esteem is WAY down. Sometimes i disgust myself. Sometimes i can't even look in the mirror in the morning. I ask myself, "Why do i become this person? How did i get here? Who are you trying to kid? Stop pretending you're something you're not!." I always tell people to keep it 100, keep it real, but I'm the one who's cheating myself... So i want it all to stop. Let's stop moving so fast. Let's take a break. Stop being so grown-up, trust me, i have plenty of time for that in the future. For now, I'm just taking a break. A break should be good for me. A break to find myself. Realize who i am. Realize what my place in this world is. Realize where i fit in here..
...A Break.

MJ Tribute At The BET Awards

Now if you didn't see the BET Awards, you missed one of the greatest and most sincere Michael Jackson tribute yet. Chris Brown is always known for his smooth moves when it's time to hit the dance floor, but we've never seen him in MJ action actually copying his mentor move for move. You knew he put his all in it because when it came down to the last song, "Man In The Mirror", he had a total break down. He cried his heart out on stage to a point where he couldn't sing anymore. Some say it was because he was talking about himself and that he needed to change his ways for what happened over a year ago with former girlfriend Rihanna, but also he cried because MJ was his inspiration to start dancing. And to perform for a person whom is dead and i looked up to...i'd cry too. Chris did a tremendous job working the stage, singing his heart out, and making every person watching him shed a few tears. He should definitely be rewarded for the best performance that night. In my eyes, he is forgiven, not from his performance, but i always loved him. I will always be a Chris Brown supporter.

All That You Need To Know For The Summer

Summer vacation begins! I am super happy and sad, but I'll try to get my mind off it. This summer is looking promising. Plan to travel around somewhat. My thing is..I'm not keepin' in contact with my peoples you know? The important ones anyways... Everybody is so far away, yet so close. I have everything i want, need, and desire now except ONE thing. Something only i know that i need. Nobody else..but i need it. There's just not enough time in the day. I'd like to fast-forward time and stop it at the perfect moments, but i can't. I don't wanna fast-forward or make time go faster if it means I'm that much closer to seeing death. But at the same time, I'm THAT much closer to my happiness and satisfaction. Either way, it's still a walk in Hell.

Question Answer: * You don't need a ring to show that you're engaged. Just as long as you know in your heart that i love you that's all that matters. The ring is for the looks, but it's so much deeper than that...it's the love that counts.

*I don't have to ask to pick the branches if i worked hard to get the tree...

*What's wrong with me? What's not wrong with you?! After all that just went down, you expect me to be normal after that?! Let's be real, that was deep. Real deep. We were so close yet still so far from the unthinkable...




**Happy [6?] B-day Saniah. You're one of the best little cousins i know and have! Love you always...**

Instigatin', Bein' a Birdhead, AND You Straight 3rd & 3rd?! That's the Ultimate Triple Threat Right There!

I'm not gonna lie, we all have done it. Even if it happened once, or every once in a while, we've all instigated. Sure we don't admit to it at times, other times that's your full time occupation, but when you're a instigator AND a birdhead, you know you have a problem. Usually, i don't mess around with 3rd & 3rd hoodrats, but when they get me heated, best believe i can show them my street side too. Don't get it twisted with innocent smile and calm voice, that could easily change into a dirty mouth and yelling like i have no sense type of girl. Don't get me wrong, I'm not uncivilized nor am I a birdhead myself, but when my street/hood side is necessary, i bring it out. Usually I'm calm and well home-trained...but just don't piss me off to a point where i wanna just snap your neck into 2 twigs [and trust me that could easily be done]. [Ha ha] People underestimate my abilities, but when i retaliate or bring one of my overly-sized uncles and/or cousins, it's a wrap for you. And that goes to the people i LOVE too, don't think just cause you're special you're gonna be treated like royalty and get away with stuff other people can't. I'm at that point where I'm done with it all. Piss me off to a point and certain degree, and it's done for you, LITERALLY. So i wouldn't sleep on that. Give it some thought, and when you come up with a proper response, call me. Cause I'm not gonna sit here and be stepped all over because of dumb broads and birdheads. You can trust and believe that.

Quality Time

**Snippet**

.....When i look in your eyes and tell you how much i need you
You kiss my face softly and say "Baby, I believe you"
That's the way quality time should be spent
But instead I'm givin' you up and I don't celebrate Lent
Quality time should be only you and I
But instead, it just flies right by...



**So Original**

Nothing

I guess I'm so used to being a nobody
That when I'm rewarded with good things it doesn't bother me
I try so hard, yet still remain to fail
It's like I'm a prisoner inside my own jail
And don't try to pretend what I'm writing down is good
'Cause if i could do better, please believe that i would
But I'm a total failure, and yes i know this very well
If i was cool like people say i am, my name would ring bell (But does it?)
I would be famous, well-known, possibly successful
Instead of living in crappy reality which is always stressful
I hate the way life turned out
It would've went a different route
I guess I'm stupid for thinking that and I'm living in doubt
You can't turn nothing from nothing and make it something
Since the closer i get to success...

Success keeps running


**So Original**

I'm Done

I hope i make this perfectly clear, i am nothing. Will always be nothing. Go nowhere. Do nothing. Be a nobody. No matter how much i work, i never get rewarded. "Hard work pays off"...does it really? Because if it did, i would be somebody, and go places. Even people below me get the credit that i want and deserve. So now, i don't care anymore. I stop hard work from here. No more thinking i have talent. No more craving the attention. Nothing. I'm done with trying to make something out of my life. I'm going no where so why keep trying?

I'm done now. Period.

Father's Day

Father's Day to me, means NOTHING. My father doesn't give a damn about me. He's drowning in his own guilt fest for not giving his all when it comes to his only daughter, which i can't blame him for. He makes no effort, no interest, and shows no love for me whatsoever. So who cares. Moving right along. Since my real father is nowhere to be found, i have to go upstate to visit the only father i ever really knew. Going to visit my grandfather's grave isn't going to be easy, but it's not that hard either. I feel like, if i don't do it NOW, then when am i gonna do it? Time is of the essence and shouldn't be wasted under any circumstances. I miss him and it's the least i could do. 5 days ago, made it exactly a year that gramps had died. Of course I'm not ready, but i miss him. Love him. And i can't let little things like that hold me back. If my gramma is strong enough then so am i. I mean it's the least i could do... since he's my father.

Well I'm heading out upstate. Happy Father's Day to all the REAL fathers out there!

Tell Me What's Really Goin' On...

So i gotta upload some new rhymes (poems) up on this. I mean, imma average on being a writer. I mean, i try. I was never really good at it, but now i look at it in a whole new light. When i write poems or whatever, it's like I'm writing in a diary. A diary that people could hear or read. It's all my emotions written down on paper. Emotions that i can't tell or explain to you, but i can write it down to where you can understand where i am coming from. That's the way i think of it. So yeah, I'll be uploading some stuff and see what i could hit you with... Tell me what you think 'cause remember I'm just a rookie new to a game.

I Love Both You Guys

Anticipating the horrible symbol for what tomorrows date stands for. I mean, i don't know how I'm gonna deal with it. I can really care less about anybody else. I mean of course i care about my gramma. I don't know how she's gonna deal with it either, but like, me? [Sigh] It'll be hard, 'specially cuz everybody is already on edge and don't wanna deal with my crap. I don't blame them, but don't give me no b.s please. They need to remember i took this the hardest a year ago. Exactly at this time a year ago--I was home, i think. No, scratch that, i was at the hospital. Hearing my grandfather speak his last sentences, breathe his last breaths, hearing his heart beat their last beats. I've never in my life loved someone so strongly as a family member as much as i loved my grandfather. He was truly a remarkable person. So inspiring. Gave good advice and was my backbone for as long as i can remember. I loved him...so much. A year and a day ago, God took his life away due to that terrible disease called cancer. [Smh] Why? A question that will always stand in my life...why did you take his life away? I wanted to tell him that i met a person in my life that makes me just as happy as he does/did. And lemme tell ya, he was waiting quite a while to find something, someone, to make me smile like he made me smile. Someone outside of our family. And i finally did...too bad i can't introduce you guys... I love both you guys...very much. Now y'all can't meet.

I'mma Sugar Coat This...

You ever felt small, but grown at the same time? I feel like that all the time. I think I'm old enough to do certain things (hem Eric Jerome dickey man), but i live by the rules and all that. I live everyday of my life thinking I'm old enough..but, then again, at the same time, I'm still only a teenager. Which sucks eggs. See, other people have experimented and went out there and done the things that only my mind knows what i wanna do. I don't have the boobs to do it. First of all, imma stay the age i am. Second, i take my time. Let time heal it, but best believe when the future rolls around, and I'm sugar coating this, I'm taking it all down step by step...just like how the Twin Towers fell baby already sno. I'm not a freak. I'm at that stage, just putting it out there. Let that be known. It's not what you think...I'm speaking in code so the one who knows...can understand where I'm coming from. Now how much do you love me?


**Take My Time**

On to New Beginnings?

Was good? Haven't been on here in a minute, but look, gotta lot of ish goin' on. So i just moved, check it out, it's dope! I should invite YOU to come over some day. Live right near Wilson Woods. 2 houses down from Ms. Watson. 5 houses down from David and a block away from Xavier. Quiet neighborhood, i like it. So that was the good news..The bad news is my mom is blinded by this thing called "love". Now if I should know anything about love it's that you don't let it control you, better yet, blind you. You stuck on a guy who does nothing for you. Nothing for us. He calls me his "daughter" but unless you put a ring on my moms finger that's not gonna happen. Sure having a REAL father for once would be nice, but not if i dislike you to the nth power. It's not a good look for you. Thought i kicked you out, but somehow you found yourself back in, but by a thin crack in the wall so don't get too happy and besides yourself.
My dad figures that when i pick up information about him from other people, it makes him of being a father just a little more easier to his liking. Uh, WEAK. Who geed you father dearest? Because imma sugar coat this lightly..and even dumb this one down for you. YAZZY NO LIKE WHEN YOU PLAY HER. FOR SHE ONLY GETS ANGRIER BY THE DAY. End of the discussion. So yeah, pops figure he wanna live with my gramma...-that's fine-but in Puerto Rico?! I know you not smokin' crack now father now are we? Let's be real. And what "aroused these actions to take place?" ;-) No but seriously..what are you smoking? Do what you want, but we have NO family relations what so ever anymore. Good bye, end of discussion. Love you!
On Tuesday, it'll be exactly a year that my great-grandfather (Papa/my only real daddy) had died. I've been feeling really religious lately. Been reading the Bible every night before bed (on Exodus 2) to enhance my religion (Christian/Episcopalian). Don't go to church like i should..so i pay my dues by reading the Bible and praying asking God-the almighty Lord himself- why he took my grandfathers life away. I guess we all gotta go sometimes...

My Smiley..Swaggalicious Smiley. Thanks for the book by the way! I love it! Ayanna scares me in the worst way possible and just to let you know, you exposed me to so much things..expect me to express myself the next time i see you. Love you as always and no need to sugar coat the obvious (you know what i mean).

Me. Yazzy Wazzy. Sexy YazzyBear. Young YazzTack. Hey. (Cute giggle) Nah but really, I'm hangin' in there. I'm readin' like 3 different books at 1 time (readin' on 10th grade level YUP!) Social life (youuuu knowww) yeah I'm good in that department. Hahaha. And I'm straight mackin' at my crib.

#On to new beginnings..

**Toy Story 2**
**Eric Jerome Dickey/Between Lovers**
**Missin' the Swaggalicious Smiley!**

Jealousy...And This Is Why

I guess jealousy is something i can never admit to anyone, but can't you see it in my face? Of course i lie to cover it up, it's what i do. My facial expressions is the key and answer to any question you have for me. Actions speak louder than words always remember that. A lot of things can trigger and just to name a couple..

-When you talk about the person long enough to a point where i feel like you totally forgot about me, that's when i get jealous. I feel like you care more about that person than me.

-When you get excited when that persons name comes up. Like since when? So now i have to watch this excitement of yours and turn it down a couple of notches just because you can't handle yourself.

Iight so lemme say this... I'm not the type of person to do any of those things, at least not on purpose. I guess i get extra tight when people do things like this because I've been forgotten about before-and trust me, more than once. It doesn't feel good. You feel unimportant to certain people ya know? I try to prevent it before it happens to let you know it bothers me. But just remember, the love is always stronger than any action that may occur on me. No matter what, i will always love you [in general].






**Bad Girl**

Addiction

"Why everything that's suppose to be bad make me feel so good? Everything they told me not to is exactly what i would. Man i tried to stop man, i tried the best i could but...it makes me smile" =D

Throwback classic

**Addiction**
by Kanye West

Don't Worry 'Bout It, Just Keep Ya Head Up

OK, so i know me and most of besties are going through some things, so lemme just clarify this one thing, y'all just gotta keep ya head up..

-Smiley: You already know i know what you be going through. It is what it is, you can't do much, but stand by and watch it happen. You get treated unfairly and like crap, alladat, but don't end up doing things that you'll regret. I'm here for you, you know that. If you ever need a backbone to lean on for support, I'm here for ya..

-Devonnia: Caught in this freakish love triangle, i know, i know. Been there, done that. We all know you still have feelings for Russell, we can all see it, it's obvious! But at the same time, you realized you've somehow moved on and developed some feelings for Justin. I mean you guys bicker like y'all siblings. Ya ll mess around with each all the time, who wouldn't have seen you guys secretly love each other? Hang in there, and decide if Russell is really worth your time because remember, he goes out with Angel, even though Angel goes out with our sis Aliyah. I know..they're having a 3 way. [gross, but it's exactly what i expect from AA] Who knows if Russell knows this small detail or not? Anyways, keep ya head.

-Me: Doing me as usual. On my regular status. Moving into a new, bigger place and best believe i can invite people over my house now! Cousin Jenaya may be staying for the summer, so I'm looking forward to that! So I'm definitely keeping my head up. Trying not to think about the fact that I'm in the month of June because we all know this is the worst month of the year..

Point is, yall just keep ya head up. School is ending soon and can't worry bout the little things in life. Stay cool, calm, and collective and remember that i love y'all.