Afraid Of Becoming Who I Think I Am

I don't know who i am, or what i am really. I guess you can say I'm finding myself?... People, the outside world, they think they know who i am, or what i can become. What I'm capable of... like they get a vibe, based on my appearance or first impression. Really, i don't know who i am. I see myself as this kid who does things she's not suppose to. A kid who can get into trouble easily by just making 1 or 2 simple mistakes in my life. I fear that 1 day imma do something really bad and my family wouldn't claim me anymore. They don't wanna know this person who has become a shame to the family name. Like God already knows i don't want that to happen. For all that's happened, the bad to all the people i have ever once loved, i think i am the cause of it. I feel like if i would've done something different, things would've or could have done differently. I took a lot of things for granted. So there's a lot of guilt i put upon myself that ways down my shoulders. I carry this weight everywhere i go. I'm not perfect, believe me, nowhere near it. Sometimes i think of myself as a monster. Why do people love a monster? Why do people love...ME? What am i doing that draws people in? Why am i such an attention holder in this world? People try to butter me up all the time telling me how great I am. Well, that's nice, but have you ever stop to think of how i feel about myself? My self-esteem is WAY down. Sometimes i disgust myself. Sometimes i can't even look in the mirror in the morning. I ask myself, "Why do i become this person? How did i get here? Who are you trying to kid? Stop pretending you're something you're not!." I always tell people to keep it 100, keep it real, but I'm the one who's cheating myself... So i want it all to stop. Let's stop moving so fast. Let's take a break. Stop being so grown-up, trust me, i have plenty of time for that in the future. For now, I'm just taking a break. A break should be good for me. A break to find myself. Realize who i am. Realize what my place in this world is. Realize where i fit in here..
...A Break.